What a Man Wants

"I am ready to tell you, at least from my perspective, what a man wants. He wants his children to grow and mature to be wise and capable, independent and self-reliant, and yet he longs to hold them in the palm of his hand as he did on the day of their birth. He wants to be able to subdue his pride and forgive their brusqueness so that he can remain close to them until they see his caring. He wants to be free to express his caring as David did when he cried "Absalom, my son, my son, would that I had died for thee" (1 Samuel 18:33). Although father and son seem made for contention, they derive their highest sense of pride from one another. He wants to admire his daughter's beauty and grace, for each girl child's beauty is unique in the eyes of her father. At the same time, he wants to honor her wit and intellect so that the complete human being that sh becomes is not obscured by artificial sentimentality.

He wants his mate's love and caring without having to ask for it, and he wants to be able to show his love for her without having to be concerned that it undermines the image of his manhood. He hates to see himself as a tearful, weak creature, dependent on others for his sense of affirmation. But he is tired of hiding his tears and turning away to preserve some traditional image of manhood.

I will be more explicit. I am tired of wars. I do not want to be killed or maimed, and I do not enjoy other people dying or being maimed. I want to accept responsibility for what I do and not be blamed for what I did not do. I have always judged my fellow human beings one at a time on the merits of their own behavior, and I demand to be judged as one person on the basis of my own faults and virtues. As such, my race, religion, politics, and sexual preference are nobody's business. I have gotten used to calling myself a man. The title is not pejorative; it is something that I have done for half a century, and I am comfortable with it. If you choose to call yourself something else, that is all right with me, but please leave my definition of myself to me. Any thinking man continues to evolve philosophically- influenced by every person, circumstance, and concept that he is exposed to. I want to continue this growth and come to be what I want to be.

I will not have my values dictated by football coaches. The maxim "Winning is everything" leaves out too much. I will not give up the joy and excitement of competition, but I am joined to all of humanity, so that if I am the victor, then so I am the vanquished. To deny this is to go through life as half a person.

I resent being categorized, and i resent people who place people in categories. To say that men have certain characteristics is valid in a general sense. To say that a man has certain characteristics is only valid with a comprehensive knowledge of the individual. To attribute something to that person on the basis of stereotyping is disruptive of the essential human rights of that individual.

I believe that life is a ship in distress, and that the true task of humanity is to get everyone into the lifeboat. It is unfortunate that so many people divide humanity into us and them, so that the us is somehow better, more easily forgiven and accepted. Them is forever below the salt, clothed in the darker garments of evil. We are currently in the midst of a great revolution, and the half of the human race called female has, after countless centuries of oppression and exploitation, stood up and cried "Nonsense!" The good that will accrue to all of us is immeasurable. The lies and distortions relative to the nature of women have diminished the entire human race. The sooner they are lost in antiquity, the better.

Psychology has given us an expanded understanding of the differences between men and women. Healing techniques attempt to bridge the gap. We have sensitivity training to help men acquire women's skills, and we have assertiveness training to help women acquire men's skills. I hope some innovator will evolve some procedures that can teach the archaic practices of good manners, decency and good will.

I am convinced that the following wars of ambition-- the striving and the stolidness, the silences and the shrugging off of an uuncomfortable sentiment-- a man wants to be seen as good. The term a good man once welded unity, a thoughtful caring person who touched the lives of all around him. To quote Mark Antony (Shakespeare, 1599/1919, Julius Caesar, act 5, scene 5, line 73), "His life was gentle and the qualities so mixed in him that nature might stand up and say to all the world-- this was a man.""

-Excerpt from "What Does A Man Want" by Stanley R. Graham, American Psychologist, July 1992, 47(7): 837-841.